From rear-mounted radar to self-parking vehicles, we’re blown away by the auto industry’s ingenuity. But having sex in the car has been a major challenge since the advent of the Ford Model A, and there’s no end to the struggle in sight. Right now, there are engineers working tirelessly to put Wi-Fi in their latest models, but no one at GM cares about giving you enough headspace to comfortably perform an acrobatic sex act in the backseat. It’s a shame.

Since the onus is on us to make it work, we’re obliged to share years’ worth of steamy window advice. So grab the keys to your mom’s Volvo and find a dark spot in the Best Buy parking lot, as we inform you on The 10 Best Positions for Having Sex in a Car.

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Vehicle: ’67 Chevy El Camino
Soundtrack: Def Leopard “Pour Some Sugar on Me”

If you rent one of those flatbed trucks from Home Depot or whatever, there’s really no limit to the positions you can bump in. Like, there’s definitely a limit to the kinds of women that will have sex with you in the back of a Menards branded vehicle, but it’s essentially an open-air California King bed. Feel free to pile drive, scissor, or pick up a handful of day laborers in the parking lot for an impromptu orgy. You’re welcome.

Vehicle: ’11 Nissan Altima
Soundtrack: Usher “Climax”

With a little knee bending and some manageable discomfort, the backseat of your standard sedan provides juuuust enough room for two fully-grown adults to lie on top of one another. Messes are inevitable in tight spaces like this, so make sure you’ve applied a healthy coat of Scotchgard to the leather interior before getting weird. Er, actually, check the bottle and use as directed. That stuff is as toxic as Paula Deen right now and we don’t want you to suffer a chemical burn on your nuts. Good lookin’ out, us!

Vehicle: ’10 Volkswagen Jetta Sportwagen
Soundtrack: David Banner “Play”

Sex in the car, like halftime of a college basketball game, is all about adjustments. Somewhere between standard missionary and the lap dance is the squat thrust, a way of wedging bodies diagonally across the back of a car’s interior. This is a good use of space, but it’s dangerously confining. If you get a calf cramp or pinch your nuts on the edge of a seat, you’re liable to throw your partner through the rear windshield. If you can’t handle tight spaces, scrounge together $39 and get a motel room because you’re not about that shaggin’ wagon life.

Vehicle: ’72 Cadillac Eldorado
Soundtrack: R. Kelly “Bump n’ Grind”

Unless you’re remarkably well endowed or own an extra-wide Caddy, this is going to be a hard sell. Remember that you’re not on a queen size bed at the Holiday Inn. In other words: you’re going to have to sacrifice a little face-to-face intimacy for the sake of getting it on in a Wal-Mart parking lot after dark.

That said, if you have a wide backseat, this is the kind of star-crossed lovers shit that really turns us on. Just turn up the Kellz and mouth lyrics to each other while one of you hangs awkwardly above the floorboards. That’s love.

Vehicle: ’93 Buick Roadmaster Estate
Soundtrack: R. Kelly “Ignition (Remix)”

This is one of those positions that’s a little meh in the bedroom, but it’s actually the most efficient use of space in the car. Just sit like you’re a passenger facing forward and have your partner position themselves on your lap with their legs stretched out across the backseat. Bingo, it’s like the guy who invented the four-door car did so with this exact scenario in mind. If you’re uninhibited enough to exchange bodily fluids in a filthy cab, this is also a perfect “your place or mine?” substitute.

Vehicle: You’re good with whatever, but it’ll be a lot more awkward if you drive stick.
Soundtrack: Nelly Furtado “Promiscuous”

Let’s be careful out there, kiddos. There’s a PSA every commercial break about texting and driving, but getting a BJ while operating a motor vehicle is no laughing matter, either. Dennis Haysbert from those Allstate commercials needs to cut a 30-second spot about permanently damaging one’s penis while behind the wheel. If you rear end a minivan full of kids on their way to hockey practice or drill an especially deep pothole while in the act, you could lose your crank forever. Don’t become a statistic. Pull over in a Quiznos parking and have at it, you know, like an adult.