When you find your friend’s spouse cheating

A beautiful lady walked into our office some years ago. Everything about her looks was intimidatingly expensive. Also, she had this accent that made me feel like listening to her all day. While I was attending to her, she got comfortable talking to me about her boyfriend. She told me about the special closeness her and her boyfriend shares and how unfortunate it was that he was already married with kids before they met. I was already judging her in my thoughts, but I kept listening. She told me about their planned trips abroad and how those trips gave her an opportunity to have him to herself. She apparently was bothered about the future which is why she was pouring her heart to me but being a married woman who abhors infidelity; I could not offer her any comfort. Few minutes later she stood up to hug her boyfriend who came to pick her, and he turned out to be the husband of one of my friends.

What!!! I could not believe my eyes. My friend and her husband are one of those couples that make other people seem like amateurs in the love and romance business. They are always hugging, holding hands and kissing in public. In fact, my friend cannot make two sentences without referring to her husband. My friend is successful professionally, yet she is better than most women I know at playing super mom and wife. All I could see were pictures of my friend inspiring other women about how to make their home a heaven on earth and here is her husband cheating? My friend’s husband left me livid and confused. Do I tell my friend or not?

The first thing I did was to confide in a counselor. This was helpful because it gave me an opportunity to rant about how angry I was. The counselor also helped me to clarify the options.

Telling my friend her husband was cheating is the same as telling her the perfect marriage she thought she has had been a lie. It is the same as telling her she was never good enough for her husband. It is the same a driving a hole into her heart and telling her she was a fool to have trusted her husband that much. Not telling my friend is putting her in a precarious position where she continues to love and dote over a man who is cheating. Also, how would this guy ever stop cheating if he continues to enjoy the safety of his wife not knowing?

After clarifying the options, the counselor asked me a vital question. What do you hope to achieve by telling your friend? I did not have a straight answer to this question because I honestly did not know what I hope to achieve by telling my friend. I just felt she needed to know her husband was cheating. Not knowing what I wanted to achieve by telling my friend made me think about the possible things that may happen after she becomes aware. So, I did not tell my friend but prayed for her marriage instead.

I do not know if not telling my friend was right or wrong. But, to have an understanding of what people think is the right thing to do, I did a little survey asking only one question; “If your friend or anyone close to you caught your spouse cheating, would you rather be told about it or not?” 25% of my respondents were men, and 75% were women. 72% of the total respondents said yes; i.e., they would rather their friend told them if they caught their spouse cheating. 28% of the respondents stated that they would rather not be told about it if their spouse was cheating. The vast difference in the survey responses shows my friend would probably also wish I told her.

Telling or not telling is an open debate. Many people have suggested that in deciding on what to do you should ask yourself what you would prefer if you were the one in the situation. But, I do not think it is right to use yourself as a yardstick in this case if your personality is not the same as your friend’s. However, I think your knowledge about your friend’s personality is a good guide to making a decision.

I know my friend; she will be completely heartbroken, and I would have done more harm than good by telling her that her husband is cheating. Eventually, my friend found out herself that her husband was cheating. They had a big fight, and it was evidently a difficult time for her. But, today they are back together, and it’s hard to tell that they ever had an infidelity issue in the past.

It did not matter if I told my friend or not because they eventually had their problems sorted out. But I would have felt bad if the situation had turned out differently.

I look forward to reading your comments on this very controversial matter.