Twenty ‘guidelines’ for driving in Lagos

Lagos is known as the Centre of Excellence, the aspiring mega-city and eldorado of many hustlers.

It is also well-known for its unique road experience and if you’re about to drive in Lagos for the first time, you must have these in mind.

1. Fear no bagga.

2. Every motorist is mad, act accordingly.

3. Immediately lock all doors and windows if you see LASTMA.

4. Yield to danfos, keke, BRT’s, & other commercial vehicles.

5. If you like, don’t yield when you see trailer.

6. Don’t yield to anybody else, they are all mad.

7. If you are ‘on speed’, you have right-of-way.

8. Do not give way to traffic coming from any direction. (There are exceptions: see 4 & 5)

9. You will often have to socialise with other motorists. Be prepared. Words such as ‘mumu’, ‘ode’, ‘ewu’, ‘idiot’ and so on should be practised before hand.

10. You are expected to hoot as loudly as you can once every half-kilometre.

11. When changing lanes in traffic, look face.

12. When rain is falling and visibility is reduced, increase your speed.

13. Lane markings are suggestions.

14. Of a fellow motorist ‘brushes’  your car, you are expected to immediately stop in the middle of the road and talk it over.

15. Accidents with G-wagons and other similarly expensive cars should be resolved as follows:

If it is your fault, you have two choices: Exit your vehicle and vanish (via okada or Usain Bolt) or lie on the floor and wail.

If it is the G-wagon’s fault it means you’ve been paying tithe. Cancel all meetings for the rest of the day and face the owner. God has buttered your bread.

16. The ‘sidewalk’ is a spare lane.

17. At toll gates you are expected to form lanes equal to the square of the number of gates. That is, if there were 5 gates, you should form 25 lanes.

18. Please enjoy the local traffic cuisine while you snail your way through.

19. We encourage motorists to live out their greatest GTA fantasy in our great city.

20. The use of seatbelt is compulsory at all times for your safety.

#ThisIsNotTheNews, as presented by Gidimeister.