Is it safe to wholly trust someone you love?

Is it safe to wholly trust someone you love?

I was in traffic on one of the roads in Lagos last week when the car right ahead of me was approached by a little boy of about ten. His gesticulations and body language revealed that he was begging for money. I felt pity for the little boy and thoughts about the deplorable state of the nation’s economy filled my mind while I watched the scenario change in the space of few seconds. The same boy that looked like he was hunger stricken and won my pity transformed into a thug who rained curses and abuses on the man whom he was previously begging for money. I rolled down my window to have a better perspective of what’s happening and I heard the boy telling the man “how does my begging disturb your life? Give me money or shut up and mind your business”. I have lived in Lagos all my life so some things should no longer be strange to me, but this incident was strange. I found it difficult to place the innocent boy and the thug as the same person.

The scenario I experienced got me thinking about trust in relationships. When you think about how well some people have mastered the art of deceit, you wonder if trust is within the reach of any relationship. But, should we for fear of being heartbroken refuse to commit our hearts when in a relationship? Absolutely not. Trust once broken is difficult but not impossible to restore. Trust is a decision you make in faith while realizing there are no assurances. Hence, no relationship should progress into marriage until partners are able to rely on each other to be faithful and a foundation of trust has been built by both parties to the relationship.

Trust is learned and earned. Define what trust means to you and review your understanding of trust with your partner so you can both be on the same page as to what actions constitute to trust being broken. When trust is shown it must also be acknowledged because when you distrust someone who has done everything to earn your trust, you empower such people to disappoint you. Such people may lose the motivation to remain trustworthy as their effort is unappreciated.

Building trust in a relationship is not only about how committed you are to the relationship, it is also about how honest you are with your partner regarding your emotional escapades. Good examples of this are men who stray emotionally but claim not to be cheating on their partners because there is no sex involved. We can conclude that you are cheating when you feed your sexual emotions from other sources save for your partner. This is because your energy for love, communication and affection is no longer concentrated on one person. Meanwhile, emotional escapades make you less worthy of your partner’s trust.

When in a relationship be truthful to the last detail. There are instances in a relationship where your partner may be confronted with a fact that disapproves you of faithfulness like this true life story A married man’s ass on fire. Your partner in such instance will need to decide if you are guilty or not. What determines your partner’s conclusion in this instance is how well you have proven yourself to be trustworthy in time past. Little things make for trust so you must take advantage of every opportunity to be absolutely truthful. Say what you mean and only make the promises you are willing to keep.

Trust can only be built with people who are emotionally healthy. Trust in a relationship requires a mutual commitment but, you cannot build trust with someone who has no capacity to trust other people because of some terrible experiences he/she had in the past. Love cannot flourish where the people involved are too afraid to be vulnerable or feel the need to protect themselves. If you have to scrutinize every phone call, read all emails, check all social media activities and require a daily update of his/her daily activities from friends, there is no point wasting your time on the relationship; you either do not belong to the person or the person does not belong to you.

People cannot give what they do not have so you should not expect trust from someone who lacks any form of integrity. If your partner has lied to you before and gotten away with it, he/she can lie again. If your partner constantly demands for privacy you should start asking what he/she has got to hide. If he/she makes a plan and calls it off abruptly or communicates only when it is convenient then you are not as important to the person as you presume. Anyone can choose to call you a fool, but it is your choice not to be foolish hence, it is important that you pay attention to the signs.

Written by certified relationship coach, Bosun Bankole, #RelationshipCheck is a weekly column published every Wednesday on TopNaija.ng is finally back and better! For further questions or enquiries, please tweet @Bosun_Bankole or send an email to bosunyale@yahoo.com.