How to deal with malice in marriage

I read the funny story of a couple struggling with malice issues. The wife was narrating, and she said her husband is edgy and full of pride. He is easily offended by everything she does, and once any issue occurs, he stops talking to her, eating at home and moves his things into the guest room. He does this every time they have a disagreement until the wife apologizes and appeals to him in several ways. The wife later got angry and tired with this attitude of her husband and at another time when they had an issue she helped him move his things to the guest room and did not bother to cook at all. Obviously, the husband was shocked, but he got the message and stopped being childish.

Unfortunately, things are not always this simple for some other couples. Homes get destroyed, and couples who are unable to manage the malice weapon eventually drift apart. Companionship is one of the primary reasons for marriage; hence, being married to someone who ignores you at every instance of an argument is unpleasant. Malice creates stress and tension. It makes the home less appealing or desirable. Let us itemize the things that constitute malice in marriage; monosyllabic responses, silence treatment, abandoning food, avoiding sex and all other actions displayed as a show of anger. Couples who are genuinely in love never set out to hurt one another intentionally through malice. It starts with little bouts of anger and then it becomes a weapon launched towards manipulation, having your way or showing disapproval.

Your spouse is not the enemy even if he/she keeps malice.

You must work together to help each other identify your attitude flaws and work towards becoming better persons. You must also make conscious efforts not to make your spouse the only source of your joy. This makes it easy for malice to become a viable weapon against you.

In dealing with malice as a couple, the victim needs first to detach from taking all the blame.

As long as you think you are the reason for your spouse’s attitude you accept the responsibility for his/her problem. By this, you will empower such person to keep hurting you, and they will never change.

I do not dispute the fact that either party in a marriage errs. However, it is not anyone’s fault if either party decides to be childish about dealing with the situation by keeping malice. Hence, it is not your fault that your spouse likes to keep malice, he/she has a problem, and you are only one of the targets of the malice weapon and not the cause.

Debunk the issues and confront the behavior. Once you notice the malice mood springing up, confront your spouse by giving the attitude a name. “Honey I noticed you have not been talking to me, are you keeping malice with me?” “Can we talk about why you have been quiet?”Do not further complicate the issue by joining the fight.

Couples are expected to love each other beyond making your partner the victim of your ego and pride.

Also, be ready to accept a dialogue when he/she is willing to come out of the mood.

Some people’s personalities cannot withstand any confrontation; they crawl back into their shells once an argument begins and will remain in their shells until assured that the coast is clear. Such people do not want to keep malice, but they cannot help giving the silent treatment. When dealing with such people you need to understand their point of view and avoid making your point through confrontation. We all must be humble enough to accept that our point of view or our ways of achieving results might not be the only right way. The fact that you are right does not mean your spouse is wrong. Focusing on building communication capabilities and seeking to understand your spouse better will make you better skilled at managing your differences and quarrels.

Call your spouse’s attention to what this attitude is doing to you and to your marriage.

Set ground rules as a couple. How do we treat each other? How do we manage our differences? At what point do we need to talk to a counselor? Who can we involve in our matter? Ground rules help to stay within the boundary, and it also helps the couple to take responsibility for errors. In my house, for instance, one of our ground rules is that food cannot be rejected even if you are angry.

I have to admit that sometimes you just cannot help being angry to the point where you do not want to say anything to your spouse. Not because you wish him or her bad but just because you are angry. But, if you do not keep justifying the anger in your head you will be tired of fighting after two days.

Written by certified relationship coach, Bosun Bankole, #RelationshipCheck is a weekly column published every Wednesday on TopNaija.ng. For further questions or enquiries, please tweet @Bosun_Bankole or send an email to bosunyale@yahoo.com.