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How to deal with anxiety, others in a sexually active relationship

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We all know sex is sweet, but if I may ask, how’s your sex life?

This is a question couples find difficult to answer satisfactorily whenever they are on the phone or on Skype or in my office for counselling or consultation. And most times, when (or if I eventually) get answers, they can be life-threatening. Many times, these answers make you develop a deep sense of pity for either the couple or one of the partners. While 14 per cent out of 100 per cent of those people give you favourable answers. Why do we still have so much confusion when knowledge is available all around us? Couples are not exposing themselves to the visible side of sex. Satisfactory sex is still a mirage to many couples.

Human beings are creatures famously consumed by thoughts of sex, yet many couples remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. So many couples have self-doubt and are confused by myths and wrong perceptions. It’s not just about our mindset, it is also about our readiness to change and also work on our sexual mechanics. Couples are mentally and physically hampered or hindered in many ways. And our path to greater sexual pleasure is impeded. Can’t we all just have great sex? Of course, we can.

I would love to encourage couples not to be overcome by anxiety or plagued by concerns during sex, especially over their performance. They should also not be worried about their physiques during lovemaking. This is one of the greatest destroyers of great sex.

Because even when you both have done well sexually, one of you may think – I did not do well enough – or the other fellow may have the impression that they are not getting it as often as everyone else. They may be comparing their sexual satisfaction with what they heard about during their last conversation with their pals. This feeling may make you believe there is still something better whereas you are doing great.

Most assuredly, great sex is actually ‘in the eye of the beholder’ For some couples, it might be the ability to make their partner have great multiple orgasms.

For other couples, it might mean being able to last for 20 to 30 minutes.

For some others, it might be the after-effect of blow job that is still making their brain to spin.

To others, it might be the fact that you were just closer to each other than you used to be, while to others, it might be the ability for all the sensitive erotic organs (like the nipples, breasts, clitoris, tip of the penis and some others) to be caressed well.

In other words, being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your spouse first and then to yourself.

Best sex is when a partner sees good sex from the eye of their spouse.

Tell your spouse what you want. Ask what they like. The truth of the matter is that if you get to know yourself and your spouse, you’ll have much more erotic and explosive moments in your sexual relationship.

Amazingly, do you know that many wives are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking? If the husband can entice his wife with his voice, that can become a powerful part of his great sex tools.

Remember; do not paint a distorted picture for another man. Ask for something new you can take home if you happen to talk with your friend about sex. When men do talk, they often praise themselves among their peers. That is not like the style of women, who discuss their insecurities. Men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives. A lot of men end up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wild sex or more satisfactory sex.

As much as you may share sexual ideas with others, do not compare your sex life with unhealthy pornography. Not everything couples should know about sex should be learnt from pornography.

Pornography is populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with flat tummies and ‘out-of-this-world’ endowments. Adult entertainment makes many husbands and wives wonder: why can’t I have a wife like this or why can’t my husband be just like this man?

Aside from the fact that real people are not always with perfect bodies, one of the most destructive myths of pornography is that it convinces so many couples that they are either frigid or lack good libido, whereas they are just perfect and fine. They forget that pornography is done with men and women who have been injected with drugs.

Some of the other myths that pornography has are that women are always primed and ready (but you and I know that in the real world, many wives do say ‘no’ to sex most times if not all the time); but pornography says otherwise.

One man’s food may be another man’s poison; there is a need to keep studying your spouse regularly. And do not always believe that satisfying sex always ends in orgasm.

Many couples have never experienced orgasm and they are doing pretty well sexually. Pornography can inspire us to greater sexual exploration, but learning from it takes time to implement, so there is a need for partners to be patient with each other and only learn from reality and not fables.

Also, focusing on pleasurable sensations has over the years helped many couples a lot. These are techniques ranging from eye-gazing to caressing and synchronised breathing that help keep you in the moment because great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future.

This is also applicable to anxiety when couples are anxious before their performance; they mess things up. If couples can just relax and not focus on how well they are going to perform sexually, this will open them up to better sex and they will have great sex all the time.

Couples are encouraged to make sure they are happy with one another; this helps them to be healthy. When a husband is naturally happy, he gets instant erection and a very forceful ejaculation.

As the saying goes, the best measure of a man’s character is the company he keeps, but what about his sexual health. Some say that the best measure of a man’s sexual performance is his erection. Good erection equates to real man and great sex. A man’s overall health directly affects the quality of his erections. And if the promise of longer life isn’t enough to convince men to take care of themselves, the promise of harder erections might be.

The quest for great sex is still the best way to get a man to make some changes to his lifestyle. This is because it has become hard to deny the importance of erections in men’s health. It is now clear that men with heart disease are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction. Men with ED are 80 per cent more likely to develop heart diseases than men without ED — regardless of smoking, high blood pressure, diabetes, and weight. Men in their 40s who had ED had the most dramatic increase in heart disease risk. They were more than twice as likely to develop heart disease as men of the same age without ED. Men with moderate-to-severe ED are 65 per cent more likely to develop heart disease over a 10-year period compared with men who don’t have ED.

In the hardening of the arteries, fatty deposits build up inside arteries and form a plaque, making the walls of the arteries stiff and restricting blood flow. Eventually, chunks of plaque may break off into the bloodstream and lodge somewhere else, where they block blood flow. If a blockage forms in the heart, it causes a heart attack; in the brain, it causes a stroke. What does that have to with an erection? To get erect, the penis must become engorged with blood; and for that to happen, the endothelium must relax, allowing the arteries to widen and let blood flow into the penis. Arteries that lead to the penis are smaller than the arteries that lead to the brain or the heart. And most times, these arteries get blocked leading to ED. By definition, having ED means a man cannot get an erection hard enough for penetration or one that lasts long enough for him to reach orgasm.

Erectile dysfunction, formerly known as impotence, affects an estimated 18 million men in the United States alone, while Nigerian men share the borderline of the statistics. However, while this condition is no picnic, it is not as horrible or as permanent as it sounds or as it is generally believed to be. All the terror and the shame usually associated with this problem are only so because the condition is most often completely misunderstood and permanent solution evades us.

According to the National Institute of Health, approximately 5 per cent of 40-year-old men and between 15 per cent and 25 per cent of 65-year-old men experience ED on a long-term basis.

But ironically, close to 15 per cent of Nigerian youths between the ages of 27 and 35 are fast entering the list.

A much more common problem which affects the majority of men at some point in their life is the occasional failure to achieve an erection, which can occur because of a variety of reasons, including drinking too much alcohol.

Questions and answers

I masturbate often and each time I do, blood comes out of my penis. Am I safe?

I have an unusual problem and it has been going on for years now. I am ashamed of going to the hospital because of embarrassment. I masturbate often and each time I do, blood comes out of my penis. After a release of scanty sperm, the skin also bleeds and forms blisters. Is this normal? I have never had sex with anyone before.

Kayaker Gabriel

This is dangerous and not normal at all. You just have to first stop masturbating and see a medical doctor on time.

My mother-in-law gets in the way

I have noticed a horrible trend in my marriage. Each time my mother in-law comes visiting, our sex life is put on hold because my mother in-law would always sleep in the same bed with my husband and even when we sneak out to other room to have sex, she cunningly tells him not to give his strength to women; that too much of sex is bad for him. I am frustrated but my husband [being the only child] seems to be comfortable with her presence. The most annoying part of it is that she seems to know each time we make love. She tells my husband she could perceive the odour of sperm all over him. Please help!

The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship could be one of the most complications faced by the human race and a wife needs better understanding in handling intrusive mothers in-law. Your mother in-law sees your husband as her son and maybe a child that still needs to be told what to do while you see him as a man that should take quality decision. I can understand the struggles you are facing but you need to skillfully handle the conflict while being encouraging and supportive to both your husband and mother in-law. She may or may not likely know she is deliberately hurting you, so try not to be caught in the middle by firstly being genuinely friendly with her, then as soon as you know you have earned her trust and confidence, cleverly set boundaries and create some independence while she still stays close to your family and make her visit good for everyone involved. Lovingly keep your sex life as discreet as much as you can.

The only days my husband stays at home are the days he wants to have sex

The only days my husband stays at home are the days he wants to have sex and immediately afterwards, he will not even pick his phone nor ask after the kids. This situation has killed my emotion and love for sex. How can I come off it?

Very confused wife

There are always many sides to a coin. Your husband might be going through some life issues that he is bottling up; it might even be your attitude or something. To unravel this mystery, call his attention to it in a very loving and understanding manner. You may even be surprised to know that he may not even be aware of such. Let him know the extent of the damage and that you are ready to be more sexually responsive if he can stay home more with you. 

I get aroused and ready for sex only when I sniff my wife’s panties

I have this sexual obsession which my wife thinks is crazy and I want to know if there are other people with the same situation. The obsession is that I can only be aroused and ready for sex after I smell or sniff the panties of my wife to perceive the vaginal odour. As soon as I can perceive this odour, I am ready for as many rounds as possible; are you sure I am normal, am I ok?

Mr Okoro Biligo

Everyone has a sexual make-up, sexual preference and sexual arousal trigger. Human beings have different sexual arousal triggers. I don’t think you are abnormal but have a rare arousal trigger. But if you are not comfortable with this, you can as well make up your mind to stop it. Where there is a will, there is always a way.

 We sleep naked and we are fasting, can I relocate to the guest room?

Please, what is your opinion about sex for couples who do sleep on the same bed usually naked during a two-month fast? Can we make love in the night during the 60 days or leave the room to stay away from sex?  Please I need your answer fast, because my body is not cooperating at all in spite of the fast. I try hard to look elsewhere but within minutes, I am drawn back to look and devour her body like a hungry lion; help!!

Fagbemi Boluwaduro

Both fasting and sex are very good and healthy for a marriage union and each has its place, function and importance. If you have to fast for so long and it is extremely important, relocating into the guest room would be a better option. But if even after relocating, you still think about the naked body in the next room. I think it would be appropriate for you to have sex few times after you break each fast since it’s a long session. This will help keep your sanity and also help keep the fast going since it is the family habit to sleep naked on bed, or rather still make your wife wear something before going to bed.

 Do sex toys spread STDs?

Dear Funmi, I will like to know if STDs can be contracted through sex toys. Thank you.

Mrs Gregory

Yes, actually there is a possibility of spreading infectious diseases from partner to partner or even other family members who play around with sex toys if they do not get cleaned. It is important that after each use, you wash items in warm, soapy water with a splash of bleach. Also rinse well.

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