He secretly wants a domestic help and she secretly wants a handy man

He secretly wants a domestic help and she secretly wants a handy man

He secretly wants a domestic help and she secretly wants a handy man

It is a good thing for a man to be handy and for a woman to be domestic, but it is not a crime if she is not domestic or he handy. Most of the challenges that arise in marriage are a result of expectations not communicated and failure to adjust to realities.

Imagine this scenario;

The guy: He is a young man whose mother was highly domesticated and took care of all the home affairs. His father’s food is always freshly cooked and served hot. His father’s clothes are always ironed and his bed is always neatly laid. No one including his mother can question his father’s authority; children take instructions and his mother can only appeal as she cannot insist on anything.

The Babe: She was raised by a single parent (her mother) in a more relaxed environment where a lot of things are allowed. In her house, everyone has an opinion and everyone’s opinion counts. In her house, they eat what is available nobody gets a special treatment. In her house chores are not supposed to be burdensome because only basic cleaning in required and everyone does their share. Moral excellence in her house is tied more to discipline, integrity and values rather than activities.

What then will happen when these two people get married to each other? First, the guy will expect his wife to be like his mum and take care of all the home affairs while the lady will expect a dual effort in cleaning and taking care of the chores. The guy will expect the babe to listen to him when he talks while the lady will expect her opinion to be heard. The guy will conclude his wife is naughty and the lady will conclude her man is bossy. The cycle of disagreement resulting from their differences will continue until either party is willing to compromise.

You may have made a perfect choice of a spouse but, if you are unable to manage his/her expectations you will not be happy together. When expectations are not properly managed, negative emotions such as sadness, anger, shame and anxiety evolves. The person whose expectation is not met feels angry and sad. The spouse trying to meet up with an expectation feels shame for failing and anxiety for being uncertain about what to do. It is impossible to manage an expectation you do not even know about, hence your knowledge of your spouse’s expectations and your ability to manage them is one of the factors that should determine who you marry.

Having expectations towards marriage is good; it helps to keep the couple motivated and active towards a happier union. The problem only arises when these expectations are unrealistic and out of reach, it automatically sets your partner up to fail. How then do you manage your spouse’s expectations while you are still in a relationship?

“You cannot complain about an unfulfilled expectation that has not been expressed” (Bill Mc Rae). Discuss your expectations with your partner and review the factors that influence these expectations together.  Be truthful about your perceptions of a happy home. If you think the picture of a man doing dishes is sexy tell him. If you think a woman should be skilled at cooking delicacies tell her. Say everything and assume nothing. “All miscommunications are the result of differing assumptions” (Bob Biehl).

The just the two of us syndrome suffers a blow once you start having kids. Expenses also escalate and as a result things like family vacation are pushed further down the priority list. So couples must be prepared to change and work around each other’s expectations. Do not demand that your spouse adjusts his/her expectation to suit yours, be willing to compromise.

Our expectation of marriage is most of the time unconsciously influenced by our family backgrounds. So it is important you visit your spouse’s house and mingle with his/her siblings as much as you can before you get married. Visiting gives you some exposure to the culture of their house and how they behave. Discuss some of the things you notice and how that is likely to play out in your home.

Ultimately, things get better in every relationship when everyone can freely express perceptions, expectations and desires. The period of a relationship is a good time to start practicing, so start asking your spouse about his/her expectations now.

Written by certified relationship coach, Bosun Bankole, #RelationshipCheck is a weekly column published every Wednesday on TopNaija.ng. For further questions or enquiries, please tweet @Bosun_Bankole or send an email to bosunyale@yahoo.com.