7 Places You’ll Try To Have Sex That’ll Likely End With Injuries Instead Of Orgasms

As opposed to what Hollywood has led you to believe, having sex in any of this places will end with you and your partner(s) in the emergency room.

1. On the ground outside.

When I was in NYSC camp I constantly heard stories of corp members getting caught by soldiers having sex in the bush and the question I always asked myself was this. WHY THE BUSH?! ON THE FREAKING FLOOR! HIAN!

Ok. Imagine this:

You know how there bugs so tiny that you can’t even see them? Yeah. Now imagine them crawling all over your body and into every available orifice including your genitalia.

2. In The Shower

So you and your partner are showering together when you both get the urge to bump genitals, which is fine, but instead of drying off and going to the bedroom like normal people, you both decide to stand there and do it. The water is still running at this point and kissing feels like torture because you can’t breathe. Let’s also not forget that you’re both standing on wet tiles which could lead to one or both of you slipping, falling and cracking your skulls open.

How turned on are you right now for shower sex?

3. In the kitchen.

Oooooooh yeah. Having sex where you make your food. That sounds super hygienic.

That aside, sneaking up on your girl, picking her up and placing her on the kitchen counter while you two start dry humping is the dream that most guys have, mostly to due to this scenario being drummed into their heads by movies and porn. However, lots can go wrong when you try this:

1) You could mistakenly drop her ass on a stray fork.

2) Mistakenly drop her ass on a stray knife that is upward turned for some reason.

3) Mistakenly rub her ass on stray powdered pepper.

4) Mistakenly drop her ass on a still piping hot stove.

5) One or both of you could fall off the kitchen counter and break literally any part of your body.

The list is endless tbh.

4. Public places.

People like to say that having sex where you stand a chance of getting caught is exciting. IT IS NOT! It is just stressful. Nobody, I repeat NOBODY actually wants to get caught having sex in like an elevator or wherever. It’ll be super embarrassing because then you’ll publicly get kicked out of whatever rundown fast food eatery you decided to fornicate in.

5. In a car.

Regardless of what 1999’s Titanic would have you believe, car sex isn’t fun. It’ll leave you with all kinds of pain in more joints than you knew you had.

6. In the rain.

All the annoying things about shower sex apply to this except this is much worse because the water is A LOT colder. So know that if you decide to “shoki” for 10 mins in the rain because you saw Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger do it in that movie “9 1/2 Weeks”, it will end with you overdosing on Procold because the catarrh you’ll have won’t even be here.

7. On the beach.

First ehn, there is no beach in Nigeria that is private enough for you to have sex on that people won’t watch you and your partner like you’re sex performers in Amsterdam. That being said, even if being watched is your thing (you freak lol), keep in mind that you WILL roll into horse shit at some point. Remember how there are horses at most Nigerian beaches?

HAPPY HUMPING!