10 things you never know until you become a father

When you were a kid, you were taught how to read and write, taught how to earn a living so that you won’t spend the rest of your life begging for transport money at Ikeja underbridge.

You were taught all the characteristics of a real man – love, compassion, kindness, responsibility, empathy and all that good stuff.

All of these things are supposed to make you a great father when the time comes.

But all the teachers, mums and aunties that have schooled you up to this point have conveniently forgotten to leave you a manual about actually becoming a father for the first time.

In case you’re a newbie like me, here are the things you’re going to learn by yourself.

1. Forget what the movies say; being in the labour room is not a pleasurable experience

You’re probably going to be terrified at the screams of your wife, nauseated by the sight of blood and mucus and all the other fluids that your baby will arrive with. Fainting at this point is allowed.

2. You will never be able to once again say you’re tired

Tired from what? Were you the one who carried the baby for nine months and two weeks? Were you the one that was in labour for 16 hours? No sir, you don’t know what it means to be tired.

3. Your alcohol consumption will reduce

Partly because you have baby formula and diapers and a ton of baby clothes to now spend all your money on (One tin of SMA Gold equals 11 bottles of beer).

But mostly because you don’t want the earliest memory the baby will have of you to be your beer breath.

4. Everybody that attends the naming ceremony will tell you ‘Congratulations’ but give all the envelopes of money to your wife

Wait o, nor be our two born the pikin?

5. Sleep will become a distant memory

You have not murdered sleep like Macbeth; you’re just going to be up all night singing Lion King tunes to the baby when his mother tosses him in your arms because she’s exhausted from doing that all day.

6. All that mouth you used to have about never touching a soiled diaper; in few days you’ll become an expert in changing them

It only takes a few seconds, and you’ll want to see if there’s anything in the baby poo that will make him require medical attention.

7. You’re going to delete Tinder and Livescore from your phone to make space for baby apps

You’ll find out by yourself which is better between BabyCenter and Bounty.

8. The baby will drool, spit, pee and poo on your favourite shirts

But on the outside, you won’t mind at all.

9. You’ll learn to take better care of yourself

Not because RMD is #DaddyGoals, but because you know you have to be alive and well for your child.

10. You will eventually discover your heart is capable of loving as much as you love your baby right now

You will feel at peace each time you look into the eyes of the human being you have just made.

And it will be the most satisfying feeling ever.