why and how to stop being too Defensive

All of us have experienced getting defensive. Getting defensive is not something we learn, it is more like it is being hardwired in our system. Understanding our defensive mechanisms will lead us to better use them in different circumstances.

See a few reasons why people get defensive;

• You will become defensive when you feel like your person is being attacked. People have different levels of acceptance with criticism. Some take it lightly and some take it seriously. Those who take criticisms seriously are the ones who will be defensive.
• Some people are getting defensive because of a bruised ego. This is their way of preserving their self-esteem, People who have a fragile ego will be on the defensive mode because they could not take the fact that they are wrong.
• If you have a high level of pride, being defensive is a common occurrence. It is because a person with a high pride could not admit that he or she committed a mistake.
• You may feel defensive when you are uncomfortable with a situation. This might be a reason to cover your insecurity, or your inability to adjust to a certain situation.

See tips on how to stop being defensive;

• Don’t interrupt. Interrupting to dispute someone’s point or criticism is another big sign that you’re being defensive. This is not helpful and makes you seem insecure and an indication you do not have your emotion under control. Catch yourself when you interrupt, as well. Stop speaking mid-sentence and apologize for your rudeness, in order to build up your discipline.
• Ask for specifics. Rather than getting mad, ask questions. Ask others to be more specific about their opinions and their criticisms. This will help you to digest what they are saying and also show that you are not dismissing their perspective. Ask to understand the criticism. Getting specifics will also help you to decide whether to accept the feedback or not.
• Don’t counter-criticize. Learning to take criticism takes reflection and openness. It can also take self-control. Avoid the urge to lob your own criticisms, as this will only make it seem like you are lashing out. Instead, withhold your objections for a later time when you can have a legitimate conversation about them.
• Try not to take things personally. Giving and receiving feedback is an important skill in the workplace and in families and, ideally, it should create dialogue with a goal of improvement. Try to give others the benefit of the doubt and don’t interpret criticism as a personal attack. Their feedback is probably meant to serve a bigger aim or done with love.

The most important antidote when you are getting defensive is to take responsibility. A simple acknowledgement that you are in a defensive position is the first step to this awareness.